Roger Goodell’s Personal Emails Reveal Startling Correspondence

In response to Tom Brady not releasing his primary emails and texts, Roger Goodell, in the interests of transparency, released some of his private emails earlier today. Most of it was just memes sent back and forth between Goodell and his employees, but one disturbing correspondence, between Roger and Troy Vincent, was uncovered:

TO: The Fuhrer of the NFL <Fuhrer@nfl.com>

FROM: Troy Vincent <tvincent@nfl.com>

RE: Tom Brady is Totally a Dick

Roger,

Just to let you know, I got your back. Great work handing me a report that totally bones the Patriots. I know Wells costs $$$$, but the dude knows how to make you look good. Can you believe people are eating this up?

I totally agree with you, Tom is an ass. How dare he deny the Wells report! He’s going to try to make YOU look bad?

I’m with you. What do you think of this punishment: 4 games for Brady, 1st and 2nd from the Pats, and $1mill buckaroos (you know, to help recoup some of that cash you sent to Wells)? That way, we can make you look like the MJOLNIR [the Hammer of Thor] again. All the Patriots fans will be angry, but nobody listens to them anyway because they’re a bunch of assholes.

Question: do you think this could backfire? I mean, I read the report, Rog. There is negligence on our part that is not brought up. Do you really not want me to punish anybody involved? Just to make us look more thorough? I’ll do what you want.

Regards,
Troy

TO: Troy Vincent  <tvincent@nfl.com>

FROM: The Fuhrer of the NFL <fuhrer@nfl.com>

RE: RE: Tom Brady is Totally a Dick

Troy,

Thanks, my dude. Sweet Norse Mythology reference, really made my day. Chris Hemsworth is a dreamboat. Do you think he could stand in as my surrogate?

This has been a rough year for me. I really need to push the focus of anger onto somebody else. Seems perfect to do to the Pats! Everyone hates them anyway. Let’s keep the attention off ourselves.

Be sure to bring up SpyGate in your punishment letter, just to really get NFL fans going. They get rabid at any mention of SpyGate. This whole “everyone hates the Patriots” thing always works out well for us, doesn’t it?

Cheers,
Roger

TO: The Fuhrer of the NFL <fuhrer@nfl.com>

FROM: Troy Vincent  <tvincent@nfl.com>

RE: RE: Tom Brady is Totally a Dick

Roger,

Attached is my final letter of punishment. Should really get fans going about “institutionalized cheating.”

Are you worried at all this could come back to bite us in the ass? I mean, we already know every NFL team cheats. Why draw more attention to it?

Regards,
Troy

TO: Troy Vincent  <tvincent@nfl.com>

FROM: The Fuhrer of the NFL <fuhrer@nfl.com>

RE: RE: Tom Brady is Totally a Dick

Troy,

I understand your concern, but, everyone hates the Patriots and their fans. There’s no better scapegoat. Patriots fans will get all angry and defensive, and no one will listen to them. What could go wrong?

Thanks for taking the heat off me on this one.

Cheers,

Roger

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